Things to do in 2016 to improve self:

Things to do in 2016 to improve self:

1. Facelift – especially around the eyes and jowls (cue Droopy from “Senor Droopy”: “You know what? That makes me mad.”)
2. Eyelid surgery – for the folds moving like glaciers over my eyes (blame Norwegian side of family) 3. Tummy tuck – so I can continue to drink all the beer I want (duh)
4. Laser hair removal – for stubborn little strays that pop out of my ear lobes and for the fur on my back (grrrrr)
5. Dye and straighten hair – “hoary” is the word for this eagle’s nest
6. Buttocks implants – for my middle-aged flattened fanny
7. Face tattoo – to cover the sun damage on my right cheek (maybe a little anchor or cross?)
8. Botulinum toxin injection – for my Worfian forehead and frown lines
9. Prosthodontic surgery – veneers, implants, and bridges for my teeth and mouth (before I go all Shane MacGowan circa ’86)

And a few non-surgical considerations to improve self:

10. Eat more white flour and sugar – because its good for my spirit
11. Seek help for my addiction to vitamins and supplements – cause it’s only hurting me in the long run
12. Read less – my eyes just can’t handle the strain
13. And, finally, shower less – screw societal norms